Things That Make Moderation Difficult: Wanting Everyone to Like You

Moderation is not easy. I spent the first 30 days sober so that I could reset before moderating. When moderating fresh off problem drinking, the cravings can be too intense to override with logic. Some difficulties with moderating seem to persist even after 30 days sober. A common one for me is people pleasing.

Wanting Everyone to Like You

When you first start moderating, relationships may change. Friends you used to drink with may wonder why you’re drinking less or it may be too difficult to hang out with them at all for a period of time. This can be disappointing to your friends. They may joke around about the situation at your expense or even try to guilt you into drinking. Regardless of how anyone else acts, the number 1 priority must be moderation.

As with all unhelpful behaviors, there are benefits (otherwise we wouldn’t do them).

Benefits of People Pleasing

• You may feel you do not have to take personal responsibility when your number 1 goal is making someone like you. Their wants can become so important that it may feel as if you have no choice in the matter.
• A sense of security. People pleasing is a little like putting money in the bank. The more you save, the more you have for a rainy day. Unfortunately, when you do something because someone else wants you to, there are no guarantees that they will do the same later.
• Anger avoidance. Many people are uncomfortable with anger. In my opinion, anger issues are usually a big reason why people turn to substances in the first place. Avoiding anger can create depression, a sense of helplessness and low self esteem. One of the easiest ways to deal with anger is not to deal with it at all. The want to escape is no stranger to addiction. When you place somebody else’s needs above your own, it is likely they will not be angry with you. Acting out of fear feeds the need to escape.

By figuring out hard and fast rules to moderate drinking, there is a better understanding of what you need. This means you can articulate it not only to yourself, but to others.