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Problem Drinking

Why does this blog exist?

Problem drinking can take many forms. Regardless of how many drinks you have per week, how drunk you act or how many hours you work/money you make, problem drinking can happen to anyone. You may drink too much because of emotional trauma or life circumstance. You may drink too much because you’re bored. Regardless of the reason, moderation is a recovery method that is often frowned upon.

According to Alcoholics Anonymous, abstinence is the best way to recover. For many, this is true. What is also true, is that in the United States, there is very little support for those who wish to cut down on drinking rather than abstain all together.

A few resources that are often overlooked include:

1.) Naltrexone. This medication is almost 80% effective for all problem drinkers who want to cut down and eliminate cravings.

2.) Club Soda Groups. In the U.K. there is an online recovery support network called joinclubsoda.com that includes a ‘mindful drinking’ group.

3.) This Naked Mind is an excellent book for those interested in exploring different ways to handle problem drinking.

I have been successfully moderating my alcohol intake for a little over ten years. I’ve used wisdom from a variety of different substance abuse books/groups/meetings to create my own way of avoiding addiction while continuing to drink alcohol. Although the majority of months I am successful, there are weeks when I run over my drink limit. Because of this I want to create a larger support network for those who moderate.

Trying again.

Fucked up again this weekend. I obviously can’t be around my boyfriend when he drinks and think I’m not going to drink.

I feel like that’s ridiculous. I’ve been successfully moderating for over a decade. How come I STILL can’t moderate when I’m around people that aren’t? I guess this means I’ll have to spend Thursday night by myself. How will I fill the time?

Here’s in my kit for Thursday:

Emergency handbook

Drinking books

Movie

Club Soda

Melatonin

Moderating with those who don’t.

I moved in with my significant other over the pandemic. The only problem is that he drinks. I have had to separate my drinking from his, but it’s difficult to moderate when the person you’re living with doesn’t.

We have a system. Because everyone has a system, I hate wording it this way, but plans are crucial. We don’t drink Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I still stick to my weekly limit, but since it’s bunched together into just a few days, I’ve found myself drinking more all at once.

Tonight, Thursday, I’m not going to drink. I know that he will and that if I hang around him too much, I’ll want to too. Moderating is much easier when I’m alone or if I’m with someone who only drinks occasionally. This is the first time I’ve had to navigate this situation.

How to Mentally Remove Yourself Without Alcohol

Not drinking can be really hard when you have stress. There are a lot of articles out there about living in the present and meditation and while I think this is great advice, I get a little annoyed at the ease in which this advice is thrown around. Meditation is the new solution for everything.

If you need concrete, simple instructions on how to remove yourself mentally from stress, I suggest details.

Paying close attention to the very small details of what you have in front of you can completely consume your mind, rescuing you from whatever you happen to be feeling for a specific amount of time. You don’t have to chant. You don’t have to sit with your feelings. You just have to go slowly.

No matter what task you’re trying to accomplish, it has to be broken up into steps. By halving those steps, you can slow yourself down and focus your attention thoroughly enough to escape painful emotions.

Example Task: You need to re-organize your closet.

  • Break it down into tiny steps: first have a dedicated trash bin for things you don’t want.
  • Break it down into tinier steps: use the nice trash bags with the little strings weaved through so it will be easier to bag.
  • Break down the next step: Sort through which things you want to toss and which things you want to keep.
  • Break down into tinier step: Clear out a designated space for you to go through each shelf in the closet so that you can decide what you want and what you don’t want.

By slicing a task in half and paying attention to the smaller details, you can effectively distract yourself while being productive. This means that you get the reward of feeling good about yourself after the process. If you’re like me, addiction can really hollow out your esteem. This trick is especially good in the beginning of learning how to moderate because there are so many more stressors during this period.

Things That Make Moderation Easier: Clear Rules and Guidelines

One of the most difficult parts about moderation is the ability to justify. If you only allow yourself to have ‘a few’ drinks during the week, how many does that mean? If you only allow yourself to feel ‘tipsy’ and not ‘drunk’ where is the limit? Are you only drinking when you go out? How often do you go out? The need to scratch that itch can make loopholes a lot more visible.

Health guidelines are some of the most straightforward guidelines to follow. They are easily spelled out. They make sense. They are there for your health. They have hard and fast rules that if you break, your health is at risk.

GLOBAL HEALTH GUIDELINES

U.S. Guidelines for alcohol use: moderate alcohol consumption is defined as having up to 1 drink per day for women and up to 2 drinks per day for men. This definition refers to the amount consumed on any single day and is not intended as an average over several days.

UK Guidelines for alcohol use: limit intake to 14 units a week for women and men. This is equivalent to drinking no more than 6 pints of average-strength beer (4% ABV) or 7 medium-sized glasses of wine (175ml, 12% ABV) a week.

France Guidelines for alcohol use: No more than three standard drinks per day (30g) for men, and two standard drinks for women.

Canada Guidelines for alcohol use: No more than 10 drinks a week for women, with no more than 2 drinks a day most days. No more than 15 drinks a week for men, with no more than 3 drinks a day most days.

Things That Make Moderation Difficult: Comparing Yourself to Others

Marking progress by comparing yourself to someone else is one of the worst actions you can take. And it is an action.

My sense of justice and fairness can make it difficult to drink less than the people around me. If I already drank yesterday, I can’t just have a few drinks with my friend the following day. Why? Because those are the limits I’ve set. They are My limits. Not my friend’s limits. And sometimes it kills me.

You May Compare Yourself to Others If…

  • You’re a perfectionist
  • You’re competitive
  • You have a sense of justice and fairness and want everyone to be on the same page
  • You don’t have a firm sense of self
  • You don’t like yourself
  • You think ‘going slow’ means you are slow
  • You breathe

Ways to Combat Comparison

  • Write out your drinking limits. These are Your guidelines to stick to and they are made specifically with you in mind.
  • Keep track of your own progress. Write a log of how you’re doing that follows your mood, your drinking and specific small steps required to help fuel you through the process.
  • Look at the progress you’ve made throughout your life. Pick a starting point and think about all the small steps it’s taken to get where you are.
  • Have a diverse set of friends. It’s easier not to compare when you’re around different lifestyles.

It’s easy to feel lost if there’s not someone else to measure yourself against. When dealing with a drinking problem, other people can become an obsession. Other people may be able to drink more. Other people may have a bigger problem than you do.

A common problem of comparison: They’re doing better > I am disgusting and awful and out of control > I feel bad, but I’m repenting by feeling guilty > I am going to reward myself for feeling guilty by having a drink.

Moving slowly is best.

Things That Make Moderation Difficult: Focusing on What You Don’t Want Instead of What You Do

When thinking about moderation, many people assume you’re “cutting out”. This is, in part, true. You’re limiting how much you drink. To successfully moderate (without feeling depressed over time), simply deleting drinks from your week is probably not going to work long-term. If you remove something unhealthy, it’s best to replace it with something healthy.

What do you want? So much of addiction is spent focusing on how to get rid of bad feelings. How to cut out drinks. How to minimize pain. How to avoid situations that are going to make cravings worse. While all these things are important, focusing on what you DO want is a stronger long-term solution to take your mind off the obsession of addiction.

When moderating, it can be difficult to be in situations where others are drinking more than you. What do you want? A drink, probably. But, if you can’t have that, what else do you want? Chances are, (in the beginning at least) you want comfort. What will make you comfortable in a situation that you don’t want to avoid?

Maybe you want a hard and fast time that you can leave the situation. Maybe you want an excuse that’s thought up beforehand.

Maybe you want a place that has food so that you can have something to eat as well as a time frame to follow.

Maybe you want to socialize while doing an activity so it’s easier to shift focus away from alcohol. Maybe you want to go for a walk with friends or to a game or movie.

Maybe you want to change how you look or go to the gym or focus on a new diet. This can be particularly helpful in the beginning when so much focus is on control of your body and cravings.

Regardless of what you don’t want, finding what you do want can help you move forward. If you’re the anxious type, this kind of thinking can help distract you from worrying. Like all behaviors that stick, this takes practice.

Things That Make Moderation Difficult: Giving Others Too Much Power

I don’t like it when people say addiction is a problem with distress intolerance. It seems patronizing. Anybody experiencing addiction has to tolerate quite a lot of discomfort just from the addiction itself. If comfort is the main motivator for a drink or drug, we are moving in the wrong direction.

While I know of no “1” cause for addiction, a large amount of people with drinking problems have had some kind of past trauma or unusual difficulty. Because of this, sometimes people need more comfort than others to go through the same life experiences later on. Rather than asking for help that may seem above and beyond what others need, turning to a non-person (drink/substance) to help tolerate emotions that many may not feel on such a regular basis, can leave one feeling just as independent as others. But we’re not. We’re dependent on alcohol.

Giving Others Too Much Power

Symptoms of giving others too much power include:

  • Feeling needy
  • Feeling unworthy or embarrassed of yourself
  • Feeling insecure
  • Losing a sense of who you are
  • Not being able to stand up for what you believe in

How much discomfort are you willing to tolerate to stand up for your beliefs? This question is directly related to character. When you give others too much power, you lose part of yourself. This can create a lot of anxiety. The kind of anxiety that might make you want to drink.

If you give too much power to other people, speaking up about your discomfort can help. It’s uncomfortable. But you’re already experiencing a much deeper discomfort in addiction.

Things That Make Moderation Difficult: Wanting Everyone to Like You

Moderation is not easy. I spent the first 30 days sober so that I could reset before moderating. When moderating fresh off problem drinking, the cravings can be too intense to override with logic. Some difficulties with moderating seem to persist even after 30 days sober. A common one for me is people pleasing.

Wanting Everyone to Like You

When you first start moderating, relationships may change. Friends you used to drink with may wonder why you’re drinking less or it may be too difficult to hang out with them at all for a period of time. This can be disappointing to your friends. They may joke around about the situation at your expense or even try to guilt you into drinking. Regardless of how anyone else acts, the number 1 priority must be moderation.

As with all unhelpful behaviors, there are benefits (otherwise we wouldn’t do them).

Benefits of People Pleasing

  • You may feel you do not have to take personal responsibility when your number 1 goal is making someone like you. Their wants can become so important that it may feel as if you have no choice in the matter.
  • A sense of security. People pleasing is a little like putting money in the bank. The more you save, the more you have for a rainy day. Unfortunately, when you do something because someone else wants you to, there are no guarantees that they will do the same later.
  • Anger avoidance. Many people are uncomfortable with anger. In my opinion, anger issues are usually a big reason why people turn to substances in the first place. Avoiding anger can create depression, a sense of helplessness and low self esteem. One of the easiest ways to deal with anger is not to deal with it at all. The want to escape is no stranger to addiction. When you place somebody else’s needs above your own, it is likely they will not be angry with you. Acting out of fear feeds the need to escape.

By figuring out hard and fast rules to moderate drinking, there is a better understanding of what you need. This means you can articulate it not only to yourself, but to others.

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